Putting on the brakes...

So my weekend started off with getting my glow products ready. I had a pre-order that I had to finish for this weekend. I get to my retail suppler, and NO HATS!!! WHAT?? I called you to confirm not more than 2 hours ago that you had the hats in stock?!?!?! So it was off to another store to see if they had SOMETHING close to what I needed. By the time I got home with the traffic and all I only had 1 hour to get ready. Great. Needless to say, I used the ole, “It’s on back order” excuse. This works for 99% of my drunk customers…

LIFE is great I am having a great night, people are spending money and I am ROCKING out to my radio. I was driving between my stops when what I will refer to as “IT”…happened. My brakes wouldn’t stop the car.( insert loud swearing and screaming here) I am pumping and pumping and using the E-Brake (Which I like to ref to as my “Bat” break) I am nearly peeing my pants when they engage… PHEW!!!! OK GOD?? You rang??? You have my full and undivided attention. What can I do for you this evening??? Just to back up the story to a couple of months ago, I heard the “squealing” sound, you know the one that sounds like a stuck pig?!?!?! So I asked Jerry to change the rotors and pads for me. He promised to help (his back injury pending) depending on his being able to do it. HE NEVER CAME THROUGH. So I have been driving on “borrowed” time.

So there I was at the light, wondering what can I possibly do at this point. Ready to cry, and an thinking…”what else could go wrong”. I just can not afford these continued setbacks. So make the move, I have to DRIVE home…I have to get out of the intersection… So I got Alice ( My car’s name) home. Saturday afternoon I was running to the car to unload from Friday night, when I bumped into my neighbor working on his truck. WHAT??? My neighbor is a mechanic?? This could really work out well. SO I ask him, so do you do brakes? (I asked this KNOWING that if the guy is under the hood…he could…but would he be willing??) This is where Money talks and BS walks. He said, Well, I don’t really know you. I said, “hey, we park next to each other, live near each other and so how much would you want to change the rotors and brake pads? Case of beer up to $100??? Would you trade food, beer and sex? JK… LOL ;) He thought that I was amusing, so he said that he would do it for $150. Agreed. He then said how about tomorrow? SURE!!! I am off to work to go make $150 to pay for the brakes.

Sunday Mid morning, after a LONG night of howling at the moon, I rolled up and went to knock on the door to see if he wanted to wait to when it was a bit cooler.(at 11:30 am it was already 109 out) His wife comes to the door and she gets my number. When he calls he wants to get it out of the way, he said, lets get ‘er done! OK, Let me go buy the parts and I will be back in ½ hour. So I get the parts come back, I ask if he needs any assistance or anything…NOPE. OK cool. I go to my house and hang in the A/C. After an hour I go out to see how things are progressing, and he is done w/ the first side. I guess I had bought only 1 can of brake cleaner and he needed 2. OOOOPPS Selective female hearing…SO then I figure, I should probably get to know the guy, that is doing my brakes…Stopping is always good! As we were chatting and I was watching how this mechanical devices are done, the upstairs neighbor pulled up and we all started visiting. The “guys” were talking, and I finally met the person above me. It’s nice to know who is making all the noise from above you! Anyway, Upstairs guy says, Hey you want to do my brakes? That is when Mechanic Neighbor says, Well I don’t know if you can top Bambi’s offer of food sex and beer! WHAT?!?!? Your WIFE and kids are upstairs…WHAT??? OK so here is where my flirtations get me in all kinds of trouble. I said that BEFORE I knew he was married and I really only said it to get his attention and get my brakes done cheap. Well, mission accomplished Bambi! Way to go!!! So at that point, I just laughed it off, and upstairs neighbor says, “SO when do you need help moving your stuff”. Mechanic guy says, well, probably next week. So, I interject and ask, Oh so I just meet a good mechanic and y’all are moving? He says, “nope, just me. “Me and the wife are splitting up for awhile, while I get my head on straight.” (LIGHT BULB JUST WHEN ON FOR ME HERE) OHHH, That sucks. I replied. (Switching to inter monolog here: NOW I get it…food, sex, sleep. 3 basic needs are not being met and here is Bambi…OH HELL NO!!! I don’t do married, almost divorced or guys that admit to needing “space to get their head on straight.”…SORRY. I normally refer to my sign that says, “Psychiatrist one flight up” when I meet these kinds of men. Just the brakes please! Do not pass go, do not collect $200. Thank you!) He was finished and I reached for my money to pay him, out of my bra. Then he says, well I would have been happy to reach in there for your payment. MY EYES WIDE OPEN…JAW ON THE FLOOR…He said this in front of his WIFE, while standing at their door! CAN anyone else say it with me? TPT...Trailor Park Trash!!! I paid the guy and RAN down the stairs. Jesshhhhh buddy. Seriously, just the brakes!

I tested out the brakes this morning and it was all SMOOOTH stopping. WHOOO HOOOO!!!