Skeletons need to go...

I spent the better part of the weekend working. Between grading papers, the Glow business and my nanny duties (I PT nanny for a NFL football player and his wife) I wouldn't think that I would have any time what so ever to have a pity party about being single.

Now don't get me wrong. I wake up everyday so HAPPY that I am out of the HORRIBLE room mate cycle and away from the horrible man that I "dated" (more like a a"booty call" dated than anything, which is a whole tiger of another story. I will save that story for another time.) Lets just say, when I moved out I hired 3 movers, my sister, and me. By the time I had 1/2 my stuff out in 20 min, I had to involve the services of 1 Phoenix police officer.

OK so there I was sitting on my sofa watching all my TV from the preimer week that I had TIVO'd! I should be in BLISS! Popcorn (check) M&M's (Check) 44oz water(check)...I watched, Grey's Anatomy, Law and Order (all 3), Criminal Minds, The Unit, Numb3rs, CLose to home and Ghost Whisperer. While I should have been happy as a clam at high tide, I suddenly just started balling my eyes out. [what is wrong w/ the hormones? This is NOT PMS week and I swear I am NOT prego! That would require a date with a human..not the ole stand by B.O.B.] OK so what in the hell? ~self talking, "knock it off you big baby, what the hell is wrong w/ you?!"~

Well, let me tell y'all! I suddenly had a flash of my life. Here I am in the prime of my life and ready to have another birthday (on Saturday the 30th) and I can not shake the feeling that I have accomplished NOTHING of what I thought I would by now. My single/dating life is pathetic and then I started thinking, "When was the last time I went out on a date?" [further dispair starts in] A real date where the guy asks you out and you say "yes". He picks you up/meets you there. He pulls out a chair and might even take the liberty of asking to order for you. AHHH a glass of wine, a good conversation. Oh yeah how do you date when you are having a career crisis and feel lke some 2 bit looser/gold digger. Now I am crying even harder as I am feeling ridiculous as to the destination of my thoughts and life.

See, my take on my life so far is that, by now, I thought I would have been married, to a loving and caring man, who enjoyes being my friend and my lover. (is that even a tangable relationship?). I would have at least 1-2 children and involved in the PTA putting together bake sales and selling girl scout cookies or something. (MY face is burning, cuz This is where IAI is slapping me and telling me to "SNAP OUT OF IT MAN!" "Do not, I repeat do not sell those DAMN COOKIES!!!")

Is it so crazy that while I have accomplished SO much, that I am feeling so disappointed? I see my friends that once were my "single" girlz to "hang" with now, married, kids and PTA. I have acheived many of anyone's idea of life goals and aspirations. YET, I feel that I have failed somehow. Yes, I have jumped out of planes,(If you ever do, you will be saying, I swear it's not a "perfectly good aircraft") bungi jumped and even scaled 80 foot cliffs, rock climbing(with equipment of course). I have traveled to Alaska, Mexico (more times to count) and most of the western States. DID I really live? Sure! Do I regret my "wild" times and flights? HELL NO. I do regret not finding the "right guy" to do all the crazy adventures I have had.

I tried talking to my sister about it. She proved to be a little help. Not for a lack of trying. SHe really is one of my best friends. It's just, she has everything, that I want. She's married, kids, PT job, house, dog...you know what I mean. She says, "think of all that you have" and continues, "be thankful of everything you have, and not what you don't". OK just once in a while I wish she would just say, " I am sorry you feel so Sucky! An who do you want me to kick in the ball sack"? LOL HUGS FROM ME...Then I started thinking well I am only mad, because she is right. ( I hate to be wrong about ANYTHING. I suck at saying I was wrong). I should be thankful that I have my own place,(away from Abusersand users) that I have a car(so I can drive to work and not have to walk), 3 jobs and a hot meal(even if I have no time for me).

While I say I am "open" to dating, I don't think I am ready. I am attracked to "impossible" relationships. Love intrests that live far away. Yet how can I get to "there" I mean more importantly where is "there"? ALl the people around me keep saying that you "find" IT when you are not looking. Well, I don't care to FIND anymore loosers. Perhaps I should have a spring cleaning of all these old bones and send the skeletons back to the graveyard where they belong.