New Fish: The End?

I have been deliberatly putting off the topic of New Fish. Why? Well, I have been in my own mind trying to figure out what it is that I WANT. That's right people. What I want. To be honest, the whole "relationship" took me by complete shock and surprise. I had no idea if this whole adventure would be auspicous this or not.

There have been many false starts and date nights that have been canceled or rescheduled. There has been many consessions on my part in terms of what I consider reasonable accomodations.

There is no easy "this is the end" or the begining, middle or what have you. It comes down to New Fish either wants to jump into the deep end of the pool with me or he is such damaged goods that I am not the one, to undo all the damages. Clearly, we are all at the age that most Americans are, divorced, single or otherwise had the relationships that create our "programing". The events that shape how our next encounters will be. Thus, because of events that were in fact our doing or due to others we react or do not react in a way that the partner is left scratchin their head.

This leads us to the brief conversation I had with NF about dating, This of course lead to the ever pressing "do you want to be exclusive"question. Let me just say, that waht followed was in any other words, a disaster. DISASTER!

DISASTER!

Here is my recollection.

Me: So do you want to be exclusive?

NF: WHAT?!?!? ~shakes head is visably dishoveled~

Me: Well, your comment lead me to ask the all ever popular question of, do you want to be exclusive?

NARRATOR: A simple Yes or no would have been all he had HAD to say. I would have been A-Ok with either straight forward responce...What I got was this:

NF: That is a very sticky question. That is a mess. I don't believe in ownership and I will not put limits on me or anyone else. You are a grown woman and can do what you want, with whom. I just won't be "owned". I lived that life once, married, planning for the future, a future that will never happen. I won't do it again.

Me: ~shakes head~ Where on earth does exclusivity = ownership?!?!?!

NF: I just ~visablly more upset~

Me: OK what is this???~two fingers moving up and down at NF~

NF: I am just...I can't believe...

*sigh* I only have so many hours a week that I can spend doing what I want. Weather that is with you, my sister, Mom, or just ME is really really limitied. I just *shivers*

~getting even more into a corner LITERALLY!~

Me: Look at you. Your chair and body are moving into that corner by your desk like a caged animal! I have been more than relaxed about all that. I know your time is limited. So is mine. We all MAKE time for what we want to do. All I am asking, is a question that OUT of RESPECT I would share with you should I CHOOSE to BE physical with someone else. I am just asking for the same respect. NOT lets get married....Jesh!

NF: I just don't even know how...*sigh* ~ Looking up choosing his words carefully~ You know I would have rather you said you were pregnate than this topic.....

ME: WHAT?!?!?! WTF?!?! ~rolls eyes~

So bloggers that was the last "relationship/bootah" discussion that I had w/ New Fish. That was almost 2 weeks ago. He doesn't go out of his way to call me. He does however go out of his way at school to show me attention and such. I figure I am nothing more than a *shiska* and really I want more. ALL women want MORE. It's in our DNA. I am satisfied, but ~shrugs shoulders~ it's a DNA thing. I fight urges all the time. After all with out our ability to recognize our weaknesses, we would be mere animals.

What I am coming to terms with is 1. I have to maintain a working relationship with NF. Irregardless of an "adult" relationship with him or not. I need to maintain that professionalism. 2. What is it that I want from being with him? Lets face it, we are all in relationships with others for one reason or another. Friendship is give and take. Mama en Fuego honked my horn and well...that was all it took for me to know we would SOOOO be buddies! Sometimes we all forget that. A true friend is sitting in that jail cell with you, not the one you call to bail you out. *giggles* SO, what do I want?

That is my long winded "New Fish" dealio. I am contemplating, what I want from us being together. Perhaps it will only ever be a physical relationship. Perhaps it could be more if and when...I am not going to spend a whole bunch of time spinning my wheels over HIS issues. I am going to figure out what I can gain from this and move forward. I am just not sure what if anything, I will gain. Perhaps I have already "lost" what I was supposed to gain?