Mama's Homework

Well Mama says that she wants to hear about a trip to the ER. ~shakes head~ Why? I guess some inspired story that made her pee her pants laughing, made her. That is what I say.

*sigh*

Well, my most recent ER trip was due to my head on collision with a concrete poll. ~rolls eyes~ Yeah, I know it sounds like a typical Blondie thing to do..but I have to tell you it wasn't. Here is the long and short of it. A car in the WRONG lane whipped around the corner and I the defensive driver I am attempted to mitigate the situation, which led to the collision of car and poll.

Fast forward to the ER. Keep in mind that the whole ride in the ambulance, I kept saying this was no big deal and I just needed some 800mil Ibuprofen. ROFLMAO!!! YEAH! Riiiiiiiggggggghhhhhhtttttttt!

So there I was...laying on this really uncomfortable board, neck brace on, and I kept asking to go to the bathroom. I mean the damn coffee/tea morning commute drink was really kicking in. NOT to mention my body was really freaking out.

They took me to the CAT scan which looks like some gadget from Star Trek, that magically shows any bone fractures. They wheeled me back to my triage room where I was waiting. Waiting. Waiting. ANNNNNNDDDD waiting. Finally I hit the call button. I have got to pee, and I don't mean MAYBE I can hold it like a big girl to the next rest stop.

The nurse comes in and I express my URGENT request. She then does something I have never seen, even in the movies or TV shows with nurses. She whips around quick then walks back toward me. At first I am thinking I am seeing double, (which we all know is not good w/ head trauma) she then starts petting my hand while some other lady is up in my putter. I hear this "Do you have any piercings I should know about down here?" *in a french accent*

Before I could say anything, I feel this hand in my lady parts (*we call it a putter-kind of like comPUTER without the com part*) Meanwhile, I am asking, HEY, it's my neck not my girl parts...when she says, "AHHH yes, you make pee"...Meanwhile, I keep telling the other nurse who is petting my hand I HAVE to pee. LOL

Ladies, that was my introduction to a catheter. *ahem* I still feel so violated. I mean, I have to pee and the next thing I know...??? ~looks around~ NOW. It's been about a year and a half, and do you know, when I have to PEE I can't hold it like I used to be able to? Much like y'all that have had the babies, I pee when I cough too hard, laugh too hard or flat out hold it too long. ISN'T that fan-fun-tastic???

Meanwhile, the nurse is convinced that I need morphine. I keep holding her off. See I hate morphine. It makes my nose itch. ~shakes head~ how do I know? Well, this isn't my first trip to the ER...but, nonetheless, I keep her happy with some Ativan. I will take some for now.

Based on my most recent trip to the ER, people are piercing their who-ha's, and a hospital got sued for something related to this, people are so fragile that they have to hold your hand making sure your emotional state is ok and the modern day drug dealers are nurses.....WHO's with me?