Broken

It's no secret that I have had a lot going on this past year. I mean, my dog had to be put down, my apartment was burglarized, I broke my neck in a car accident and my Mom passed away. Hell, if that isn't the makings of a country song, I don't know what is.

I do think that I had to experience all that to truely appreciate what I DO have and the people in my life. PHXman, came into my life at such a crazy time. I mean, there are times that it is really surreal to me. *sigh* There are days that I just don't even want to get out of bed. There are others that I am so busy, with the needs of others, I feel selfish for even feeling sorry for my self at all. I think, shame on me. I think, look at all you DO have, shame, shame, shame on you! ~wags finger at self in the mirror~

I have experienced some real heart break in my life, but none has compared to the loss of my mother. My frustrations when she was sick, the fun times growing up, the laughing and yes the tears. I have also suffered great disappointments in both my self and others. I trusted. I believed. I gave so much of myself along the way, Im not sure if I have any more left, and then I find a spark. Yes, something has grown over or back. Then, I opened myself up to sharing a life, the ideas and the hopes that a couple brings to the table we all call a relationship.

Why am I rambling on about this? Well, PHXman has said the magic "I love you". My heart fluttered, and mind is racing. WHY can't I say it back? It is my love to give to whom I want to. What is WRONG with me. I know I care so deeply, that the thought of not having him in my life would be more than I could bare. Isn't that LOVE? I think it is. Yet, I feel so broken and out of touch with my emotional well being that I am afraid to allow myself to "go there". My gosh, we are going to move in together. That is HUGE for me. I am allowing to give up a part of my self reliance and space....I am about to enter....*cue twighlight music* the couple zone. I just can't say it until I am beyond sure. ~smacks head~ I don't want to just say the words to say it...you know for the sake of saying it...

Then there are days that I am so happy. Then there are times, that I honestly am not sure, that I deserve this happiness. (isn't that sick?) There are days that I just don't want to be touched, or talk about what is on my mind. I afraid that even now, that PhxMan will read this, that he will want to try and comfort me. That is what good boyfriends do. What am I saying? Hell, that is what GREAT boyfriends do. After all is said here, I worry that with all that has happened in my life, that I found someone who wants to take care of me. What is wrong with that? Well, what happens when I am not as needy. Women can be moody. and we have our less than perfect moments. I just don't want to lose myself, my self reliance, my singleness, all because I want to share my life. Is it even possible to do that and be a couple?

Am I so broken that my only idea of a relationship that may work, is one that is dysfunctional? I love that he wants to help me. I love that he wants to spend time with me, I love that he listens to me. What about when I don't need him to listen as much? What about when I don't need so much support emotionally? Will he feel that there is something missing? There are times, that he will ask me if there is anything wrong. Here is what I have to say...

*sigh*

Yeah, but it has nothing to do with us or you. I care about you more than you could ever imagine. You have become SO important to me, that I don't want to lose your friendship, trust or love. So, when I tell you nothing and smile, let it go. Know that I will talk to you about it when I am ready...but understand that I may NEVER want to. You have to know and trust that I will always do what is best for both of us.

So, my faithful bloggers, does anyone else have this transition with adapting to couple life after being single, or am I the only one? Someone please tell me that I am having "normal" thoughts for someone that has been through or maybe, you just wanna tell me I need a padded room and a white straight jacket?? Thoughts???